Bla Bla Bla

 *warning: rant. nothing happy here~ please skip to find a happier post~*

maybe it's because of the heat? or because i've been sleeping late these days? finding life a little...lost... just went to the edu fair earlier. so many options... yet... what do i have? what do i want? i still can't seem to answer myself. thinking back... to be truthful... was i even serious about my studies? was i even enthusiastic about it? somehow... growing up has made me more lost than ever... is it? even taking the subject i like... or maybe i once liked... was so scary... what was once a feeling of "yeah, this is how i think" becomes a "what am i writing?"... is growing up that tough? does it really feel like this? all this time... do i want to admit how i actually feel? or do i want to hide from the truth? from the horrifying truth that was already in front of my eyes? two different lives... both so different... yet i may need to choose between these two... to put it here.... either... a beggar's life... or a forced life... why do i have to put such sad words to describe my choices? at this moment... i just want to let go... no more hidden meaning or thinking on the bright side, just for a moment. after that, i'll try my best to be on the bright side, promise. just bear with me for awhile... what are you interested in? the people at the fair asked... i answered what i usually do... like what the elders want. a part of me would usually say... yeah, you can follow them, do what they wish for you to do. besides, it's a good thing, and you get to show your respect for them... but at times... just like now, i cringe at the thought of myself... doing what others want... do i have the talent? do i stand against the challenge ahead of me? it is a tough road the elders gave. now... do i even qualify to be thinking about this? maturity? i never had it in me... i'm usually thinking what the elders have thought me to think. decisive? i've never made a decision by myself... how awful is that... at times like this... i really do wonder... how have i lived my life... how am i going to live later on? no answer to that...