2d@y

**personally, this post could be a bit extreme....**

Reading comments and updates of friends made me think......
Before I got my results, I was feeling nothing, the feeling was like "here's the next report card". It's like I didn't bother! Because of that kind of feeling, I did feel afraid of my own self. A physics teacher passed by us and told us that he already saw our results. I was trying to figure out my result with his expression, but he was a pro, I guess.

"Your name," the teacher said, surrounded by many of our classmates who already got their results. I said my name as she flipped through the papers. I saw my name. Then, she passed me the paper. I didn't see my results clearly, but my friend helped me to see it first. Maybe because I had no expectations, I was quite happy when I finally saw my results after waiting for almost 4 months.

Today, after reading my friends' blogs, I had a small flashback to when I was in form 3.

{Cry baby coming in!!!}

During that time, after taking the results, I was quiet, really quiet. I was quite upset, due to several reasons. Upon seeing one of my friends tearing up, I guess I broke down. I cried. After being advised by my friends, slowly I became calmer. I believe I was still sulking a bit thou. When I reached home, I had dried my tears. With a small voice, I told my results to my mother in the kitchen. At the same time, a dagger struck into my heart. Once again, I cried. This time, it was a more painful feeling compare to when it was at school. I went upstairs into my room. I was mad at myself. I scolded myself, so much that I cried even more. I slept a few minutes on the floor. And went back down for lunch.

And I thought it would stop just there, stop when I wake up the next day. The few days after the results were always family and friends calling, asking about the results. I talked to them, with a happy tone. But my eyes were always in a blurry state. When anyone asked about the results during Lunar New Year, I answered with a light tone. But I felt like I was being struck by lightning again and again. Tears were rolling in my eyes, but I do not want to cry in front of people. It was damn painful. I was suffering emotional pain for almost a year. I did grumble to my friends, but it was mostly some other thing. I dare not talk about it or maybe I don't know how to. This feeling was frequently there. I was worried and wondering if I could become insane. I was pathetically scared.

Once, I used MSN to chat with a relative who is working abroad. I was under stress at that time, I had no hope, I do not believe in myself, I have no confidence. While telling my relative that I couldn't control my emotions, I cried while typing.

Maybe it's because of my friends, father, family, legendary people in history books, or even the singers I admire. I told myself to wake up, stop being this person. You have a responsibility, you have a life, you have people that care for you, why waste it with feeling sad for yourself? It took me a long time to climb back into reality as well as strengthen myself, but I'm not going to be like that anymore. I have many ambitions and I want to make them into reality. I am going to work hard! I am going to succeed!